I have been having strange dreams lately. They have been highlighting something I’ve felt all my life. I’ve never felt fully part of anything - always behind on one side, and too far ahead on the other. My dreams have all been set in locations that are vaguely familiar, were I don’t quite fit.
Last night’s was one of those. I was touring an artists’ incubator that was full of programmers - mostly games and tragically hip books - and it was directly attached to a chain-like restaurant called “Grafetti” [sic] that served some kind of fusion Italian food, though I never went in it. One of its exterior walls, complete with neon sign, formed one of the interior walls of the incubator. Everyone in the place was mix of aesthetic creator, yet mired in trying to milk trends for income. I felt as if I belonged there, yet I was treated as a kind of quaint relic from a by-gone age - a curiosity who understood the incubator culture, but could never fit into it.
It brought to mind the curious cultural and demographic position I have inhabited my entire life. I was too young to be included in the Boomer generation, but too old to be fully Xer. I was raised in a strict Roman Catholic home and attended Catholic schools from Kindergarten to my first semester in college, and yet I didn’t really believe any of it and found it stifling and restrictive.
Because of my father’s political career, I spent my youth on stage and on camera. I attended hundreds of events, dinners and rallies. I watched the construction of media messaging and saw it launched into the general public. Yet, I was rarely allowed to watch television at home, and when I did, my father generally stood to the side making constant comments about the goddam Commie bastards and the godless media.
Naturally, I’ve spent my entire life creating content of one form or another for the Commie bastards to fill time in the godless media.
I grew up at a time when the idyllic 1950s were fading and the turbulent 1960s were roaring. I never wanted that weird 50s pastoral scene, but the hedonistic reflexive activism of the 60s were not appealing either. I spent a lot of time hanging out with long-haired gonzos in communes, but other than my stint as a Benedictine monk, I never lived that way.
In a way, my life has been spent in the wake of a speed boat. I’ve been tossed and turned, trapped in the powerful eddies of its passing, getting neither the benefits of being in the boat, nor the calm bliss of open seas, and in many ways I have actively avoided both.
I grew up in the United States, but I have never considered nor even called myself “a Merkin”. When I was backpacking around the world, I flew the Texas flag on my rig, and when asked where I am from, I always say Texas, never America. Now, I straddle two cultures that I can never be fully a part of. I am a permanent resident of Indonesia, and widely considered to be an American, of which I am neither. Even if I naturalized to Indonesia, I would never even vaguely resemble a local.
It is a strange space to inhabit. I am able to observe everything, but participate in nothing. It is akin to diving in a pool and not getting wet. My mind is a battleground between tradition and novelty, loving and cherishing the “old ways,” while constantly looking for new and unusual ways to express them. I walk a fine line between full-on Bohemian non-conformist and a Gordon Gekko corporatist. I am probably the only person to have worked in the oil and gas industry with the title of Creative Director.
My dreams of late have been reflecting this internal dichotomy. I have ended up in places reminiscent of the counter-culture enclaves I used to haunt, but I was dressed in suit and tie, or wanting to discuss things that were way outside the purview or interests of those around me. In the dreams, I was repulsed by crass commercialism, and yet eagerly trying to embrace it. The feeling is like forcing myself to eat to be polite, when I am not the least bit hungry.
I feel as if I’m in a constant state of transition, but I’m never really sure from what or to what. It’s like being in one of those Star Trek episodes where I’m just slightly out of phase with the rest of the Universe.
I never know how to interpret my dreams, at least not immediately. Over time, they generally resolve into something meaningful, but I generally get the meaning from events once they’ve passed, and rarely understood before they happen. In this case, I interpret the dreams as foreshadowing some major change coming in the near future. Don’t ask me why, it’s just a feeling I get.
My dreams are like data mining - they drill down into the vast amounts of incoming information, looking for hidden patterns and trying to make sense of them. I don’t view my dreams as forecasting events, but rather as following general trends to their most likely outcomes. They are often correct and I have come to trust them as signposts in an otherwise chaotic realm.
I’m not presenting this as a remote viewer or a clif high ALTA report. A feeling is vague enough to be interpretted in a hundred different ways to fit a dozen different scenarios. It is what it is.
In my professional life, I have often had my best inspirations from my dreams, but they take time to ferment like a quality beverage. They do more to sensitize me to recognize significant changes when they occur, even though those events may not be immediately obvious. In any case, now we can both share the realization.
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A leading from the Holy Spirit: Your dream means you are going to be creating important things. You should focus on the work of creating and not on being accepted. Your creations will speak for you about who you really are.
What do you care what other people think? Can you even be sure that they do think? In the country of the blind, the one eyed man sees more than most.
🎶 I'm up on the tight wire
One side's ice and one is fire
It's a circus game with you and me
I'm up on the tight rope
One side's hate and one is hope
But the top-hat on my head is all you see
And the wire seems to be
The only place for me
A comedy of errors and I'm falling
Like a rubber-neck giraffe
You look into my past
Well maybe you're just too blind to see
I'm up in the spotlight
Oh does it feel right
Oh altitude seems to get to me
I'm up on the tight wire
Flanked by life and the funeral pyre
Putting on a show for you to see
Like a rubber-neck giraffe
You look into my past
Well maybe you're just too blind to see...
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